We realize that cover models are expensive…

The kindling heart

But asking your neighbor’s 19-year-old son to dress up in a bedsheet should not be your second choice.

The Kindling Heart — Carmen Caine

Prince Valium’s second attempt at marriage was slightly more successful.

Once a rebel

Princess Narcolepsy was a much better fit.

Once A Rebel — Tammy Hilz

Insert “Pearl Necklace” joke here.

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Also, that’s a spiral.

Circles — Doris Mortman

Angry Vagina Tree is not impressed by your ritualistic dancing.

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In all fairness, fifty year old meth addicts aren’t known for their rhythm.

Reader submission by Jadziwine
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he’ll take your word for it.

The Erect Oak — Julissa Redone

She was about to discover that the brain is the sexiest part of the body.

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Sexy brain

Oooooooh, yeah, that’ll do it.

Gone With the Nerd — Vicki Lewis Thompson

She might as well face it: she’s allergic to love.

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Also, this looks like a Trapper Keeper someone might have had in eighth grade.

Mostly because of the heart shaped spittle.

Hearts on Fire — Bree Roberts

When good pharmacists go bad…

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"I’ll make you pay! I’ll make you all pay!

For Zyrtec
®.”

Love in Bloom — Arlene James

The scruff was good, we like scruff. And who doesn’t like chest hair, sandpaper-y though it may be?

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But we think you went a little overboard with the random and displaced waves of hair. Just, you know, as an FYI.

The Eternals — Kristie K. Shafer

You’ve got a little something there…

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No, not there, there. Yeah, that thing.

Dane — Liliana Hart

The ensuing tsunami killed thousands.

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Still not as bad as the great honeymoon tidal wave of 2004.

Everlasting — Kimberly Dean

Why are they all dressing like that all of a sudden? Are they trying to be Goth?

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No, they’re vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice.

The Billionaire Vampire — Lacey Chambers

Vampires On Ice was set to be the next big hit, but closed after a single performance.

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Should have used an indoor venue.

An Unwanted Hunger — Ciana Stone

The physics here just won’t work.

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They must be his training wings.

Bad Cupid — A.D. Cooper

Get a room, guys!

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No, really, get a room.

Getting Naked at the Hilton — Dee Dawning