We’ve got a case of Buttaface. When everything’s hot but the face. And that one nipple.

Photo (25)

Eh. Just stick a hat on him.

Also, throw in a really creepy looking covered wagon. That should distract the eye.

Orchids in Moonlight — Patricia Hagan

He wasn’t a very good cowboy. The alpacas were totally in charge.

Screenshot 2014-08-20 at 9.51.53 PM

Also, they’re alpacas.

Cowboy for Sale — Janet Wellington

We realize that cover models are expensive…

The kindling heart

But asking your neighbor’s 19-year-old son to dress up in a bedsheet should not be your second choice.

The Kindling Heart — Carmen Caine

Prince Valium’s second attempt at marriage was slightly more successful.

Once a rebel

Princess Narcolepsy was a much better fit.

Once A Rebel — Tammy Hilz

Insert “Pearl Necklace” joke here.

Scan_20140602 (4) - Edited

Also, that’s a spiral.

Circles — Doris Mortman

Angry Vagina Tree is not impressed by your ritualistic dancing.


In all fairness, fifty year old meth addicts aren’t known for their rhythm.

Reader submission by Jadziwine
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he’ll take your word for it.

The Erect Oak — Julissa Redone

She was about to discover that the brain is the sexiest part of the body.




Scan_20140408 (5)

Sexy brain

Oooooooh, yeah, that’ll do it.

Gone With the Nerd — Vicki Lewis Thompson

This is what The Girl helps me do at 2:30 a.m.

This is totally normal.

actual synopsis:

Although Zoe Tarleton is box office gold in frivolous movies, she wants respect for her acting, which means landing a role as a genius-level chemist. Nobody expects her to get the part, but she has a secret weapon. She plans a cabin-in-the-woods retreat with a guy who can teach her how to be a nerd – entertainment lawyer Flynn Granger, the most uncool person of her acquaintance. 

Flynn accepts the challenge and discovers a Zoe that no one else knows. As unexpected sparks fly between the geek and the glam girl, eerie noises echo in the woods outside their cabin. Is it the legendary Bigfoot, who has been sighted in these woods? Or is it a stalker who’s targeted Zoe? As the danger escalates, Zoe learns that when the going gets tough, a girl can count on a nerd.


No Bigfoot loving though. that’s a different series.  

These have such bland covers but are are really wacky.

So the character is Denise Richards preparing for her role as Christmas Jones. lol

There is actually one and only one reason we’ve been sitting on this cover. Apparently, “nerd” equals reading glasses.

I’ve known a lot of nerds. I’m a nerd (though I wear contacts). UW is a nerd (and only wears glasses for night-driving). None of our nerdiness requires wearing reading glasses. Because reading glasses are most associated with old people, not nerdiness.

But we thought sexy Krang was funnier. ;)

She was about to discover that the brain is the sexiest part of the body.

Scan_20140408 (5)

Sexy brain

Oooooooh, yeah, that’ll do it.

Gone With the Nerd — Vicki Lewis Thompson

She might as well face it: she’s allergic to love.

Photo (24)

Also, this looks like a Trapper Keeper someone might have had in eighth grade.

Mostly because of the heart shaped spittle.

Hearts on Fire — Bree Roberts

When good pharmacists go bad…

Scan_20140602 (31)

"I’ll make you pay! I’ll make you all pay!

For Zyrtec

Love in Bloom — Arlene James

The scruff was good, we like scruff. And who doesn’t like chest hair, sandpaper-y though it may be?

Photo (23)

But we think you went a little overboard with the random and displaced waves of hair. Just, you know, as an FYI.

The Eternals — Kristie K. Shafer

You’ve got a little something there…

Photo (22)

No, not there, there. Yeah, that thing.

Dane — Liliana Hart

The ensuing tsunami killed thousands.

Screenshot 2014-08-08 at 9

Still not as bad as the great honeymoon tidal wave of 2004.

Everlasting — Kimberly Dean

Why are they all dressing like that all of a sudden? Are they trying to be Goth?

Photo 21

No, they’re vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice.

The Billionaire Vampire — Lacey Chambers