They were going to have the sparkliest vampire of all sparkly vampires…

And it would be fabulous.

Dark Dreams — Kristie K. Shafer, Kristen Middleton

Wife? Well, we do remember something about a cello player.

Or at least someone who uses a bow.

Coulson’s Wife — Anna J. McIntyre

Only you can prevent forest fires.

By, you know, not being on fire.

Shifting Fates — Aubrey Rose & Nadia Simonenko

Are we just ignoring the fact that he’s on fire? Yes?

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Okay, then.

Taken by the Ghost — Jillian Valentine

"Dafuq did I just read?"

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Given his expression, probably something about a violent groinal attack.

Reader submission by Anon E. Mouse
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he’ll take your word for it.

Serendipity — Judith McWilliams

Some women like living on the edge…

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The edge of a cliff. Waiting to get their ass pecked off by a raven.

Taming a Raven — Kathleen Lash

Wild unicorns couldn’t drag her away.

The Raven and the Rose

The Raven and the Rose 2

They could probably drag him off, though. He’s tiny.

The Raven and the Rose — Susan Wiggs

He might not have noticed the foal missing if she hadn’t tried to shove the mare in there, too.

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Moral of the story is: horse thieves shouldn’t get greedy.

Lucifer and the Angel — Barbara Cartland

Moving past the side-moob for a moment…

This man and woman

You know what, never mind. Let’s go back to the side-moob.

This Man and Woman — Jackie Ivie

It’s not a Mexican standoff. We don’t care if you shoot.

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You might want to reconsider that one, though.

Protector — Gennita Low

This is a gross invasion of personal space.

Kiss across time

That boat just wants to do its job and get home. No need to go shoving tits in its face.

Kiss Across Time — Tracy Cooper-Posey

There are reasons that sex at work is against regulations.

Texas wildcat

Namely, cattle wandering off and the occasional stampede.

Save it for later.

Texas Wildcat — Linda Benjamin

Why appropriate sex education is so vitally important.

The imposter

Barbie and Ken are not anatomically correct.

Discovering the truth can be rather surprising.

The Imposter — Elaine Fox

I think you were a bit misleading in your OKCupid profile.

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That is a jet and you own it. But it would need to be at least… three times bigger than this!

Flown by the Billionaire — Carla Davis