Insert “Pearl Necklace” joke here.

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Also, that’s a spiral.

Circles — Doris Mortman

Angry Vagina Tree is not impressed by your ritualistic dancing.


In all fairness, fifty year old meth addicts aren’t known for their rhythm.

Reader submission by Jadziwine
Uncle Walter cannot verify ownership of submissions, but he’ll take your word for it.

The Erect Oak — Julissa Redone

She was about to discover that the brain is the sexiest part of the body.




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Sexy brain

Oooooooh, yeah, that’ll do it.

Gone With the Nerd — Vicki Lewis Thompson

This is what The Girl helps me do at 2:30 a.m.

This is totally normal.

actual synopsis:

Although Zoe Tarleton is box office gold in frivolous movies, she wants respect for her acting, which means landing a role as a genius-level chemist. Nobody expects her to get the part, but she has a secret weapon. She plans a cabin-in-the-woods retreat with a guy who can teach her how to be a nerd – entertainment lawyer Flynn Granger, the most uncool person of her acquaintance. 

Flynn accepts the challenge and discovers a Zoe that no one else knows. As unexpected sparks fly between the geek and the glam girl, eerie noises echo in the woods outside their cabin. Is it the legendary Bigfoot, who has been sighted in these woods? Or is it a stalker who’s targeted Zoe? As the danger escalates, Zoe learns that when the going gets tough, a girl can count on a nerd.


No Bigfoot loving though. that’s a different series.  

These have such bland covers but are are really wacky.

So the character is Denise Richards preparing for her role as Christmas Jones. lol

There is actually one and only one reason we’ve been sitting on this cover. Apparently, “nerd” equals reading glasses.

I’ve known a lot of nerds. I’m a nerd (though I wear contacts). UW is a nerd (and only wears glasses for night-driving). None of our nerdiness requires wearing reading glasses. Because reading glasses are most associated with old people, not nerdiness.

But we thought sexy Krang was funnier. ;)

She was about to discover that the brain is the sexiest part of the body.

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Sexy brain

Oooooooh, yeah, that’ll do it.

Gone With the Nerd — Vicki Lewis Thompson

She might as well face it: she’s allergic to love.

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Also, this looks like a Trapper Keeper someone might have had in eighth grade.

Mostly because of the heart shaped spittle.

Hearts on Fire — Bree Roberts

When good pharmacists go bad…

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"I’ll make you pay! I’ll make you all pay!

For Zyrtec

Love in Bloom — Arlene James

The scruff was good, we like scruff. And who doesn’t like chest hair, sandpaper-y though it may be?

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But we think you went a little overboard with the random and displaced waves of hair. Just, you know, as an FYI.

The Eternals — Kristie K. Shafer

You’ve got a little something there…

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No, not there, there. Yeah, that thing.

Dane — Liliana Hart

The ensuing tsunami killed thousands.

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Still not as bad as the great honeymoon tidal wave of 2004.

Everlasting — Kimberly Dean

Why are they all dressing like that all of a sudden? Are they trying to be Goth?

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No, they’re vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice.

The Billionaire Vampire — Lacey Chambers

Vampires On Ice was set to be the next big hit, but closed after a single performance.

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Should have used an indoor venue.

An Unwanted Hunger — Ciana Stone

The physics here just won’t work.

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They must be his training wings.

Bad Cupid — A.D. Cooper

Get a room, guys!

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No, really, get a room.

Getting Naked at the Hilton — Dee Dawning

Romance novels are so unrealistic…



Heart of midnight

In real life, guys just won’t hold your hair off your face while you vomit.

Heart of Midnight — Fiona Brand

I mean, he better be holding my hair off of my face. If I am pregnant, he put that thing in my vagina. He is 85% responsible for it.

Okay, well, see, now I feel like we need to have a discussion about the differences between a vagina and a uterus. lol

On a more serious note, shortly after I moved 1,000 miles away to be with Uncle Walter, I got very, very sick. To the point where he had to help me to the shower, hold me up, and wash me, because I physically lacked the strength to do it on my own. He had to help me to the toilet and pull down my pants for me. Thankfully I was still able to wipe myself. But really, I mean, I was THAT sick, then spent 6 days in the hospital and almost needed massive surgery (except his parents did a TON of research for me and figured out that I really didn’t, for which I am very grateful). And what that did was cement in my mind that, while there are people who will help you and people who will be there for you, it’s the person who will actually help you use the bathroom that you really want to keep. Over the years I’m pleased to say that I have never regretted the decision to keep him, and also that I’ve been able to return the favor. :)