Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.

Special Thanks to Woot for their product description and the inspiration.

Int. Texas Living Room Day

Police guy enters, looking tall, Texas-y, and anything but British. He squats down behind the crime scene tape.

The room is decorated with a single couch and a terrible pattern on the rug. Sunlight streams in through the windows. The room is very clean and police guy is the only person in it. Seeing he is alone he clears his throat and pretends to be a random famous detective with a Dick Van Dyke British accent mixed with a Texan twang.


Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK: Wait, John. Don’t take another step. I’ve already figured out everything there is to know about this room.

He clears his voice and changes it to a more Scottish accent.

Voice of Texan/Scottish JOHN WATSON: Well then, please explain it Mr. Holmes.

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK: Certainly…

While police guy mumbles incoherently to himself, he bobs his head closer to objects and further away mimicking a bunch of really fast zooms, weird cuts, and the like.

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK (continued): What is wrong with this room, John?

Voice of Texan/Scottish JOHN WATSON: I don’t know.

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK: It’s clean, that’s what’s wrong. We’re investigating an empty clean house. Where is the crime?

Voice of Texan/Scottish JOHN WATSON: So, the criminal was thorough?

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK: Too thorough, now look down. The floor - the horrible pattern on this rug - do you see any blood?

Voice of Texan/Scottish JOHN WATSON: No.

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK: Exactly, so whatever happened here wasn’t a murder… or at least one that would drip blood or other bodily fluids.

Police guy takes a normal FLASHLIGHT out of his pocket and shines it on the ground.

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK (continued): Now, set your eyes on this! This flashlight that I’m using illuminates the carpet around the room by doing something science-y and unexplainable. As you can see, the carpet is ugly and belongs to someone without any sense of fashion.

Voice of Texan/Scottish JOHN WATSON: Where did you get that from?

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK: That’s not important, John. What is important is that no one was murdered here and no crime appears to have been committed..

Voice of Texan/Scottish JOHN WATSON: So, why are we here?

Police guy takes stops abruptly and pulls a scrap of paper from his back pocket which has an address scrawled on it.  Running to the front door he confirms his suspicions and quickly runs across the next door to a similar house and into a nearly identical living room but with a large pool of blood on the floor.

Voice of Texan/British SHERLOCK: Wait, John. Don’t take another step. I’ve already figured out everything there is to know about this room.

Scene of the Crime: Bridgewater, Texas — Carla Cassidy